How many times do we say, “…blah, blah, blah, this is the Last time….”?? Yeah? Well, how many times was that particular fucked up circumstance really, actually, THE LAST TIME??? Well, THAT my friends is why the world is so fucked up.
Like so many of you unfortunate minds, APPARENTLY, I couldn’t learn a lesson even if the possession of my soul depended upon it. THERE WERE SIGNS, I mean OF COURSE there were. But you know the mind of a soul when the heart is in charge…long dried out and shriveled. Fuck what the shrink is going to say about the signs and different colored flags. It was different. It was worse. It was TOXIC. PARADOXICALLY toxic. It was hot, yet cold. It was affection, yet rejection. It was euphoria, yet purgatory In nature. It was unconditional love, yet discoursing hate. But then again, what are marriages supposed to be right? Isn’t that the running joke in relationships? You’re miserable, and then you die…
Before we get to all of that and all this decoration of the yellow tape variety, let me first say that I am in no way, shape, form, or fashion even attempting to imply that I am not responsible for the actions I’ve taken thus far. I don’t regret them in the slightest. In fact, to suggest otherwise would further slight me, and you wouldn’t want to do that. GIVE ME MY CREDIT. Let us agree that I’ve received nothing in way of understanding, so afford me my credit due, in the least.
I told myself this was the last time. I simply wouldn’t allow this any further. This, this toxicity…. Its lethal. Its damaging, physically and mentally. And that’s the part that’s so often misunderstood; the psychological aspect of relationships. The real power. And somebody’s got to attain it. Somebody’s got to wield it. Somebody has to be compromising in the face of power. And that person who always was forced to bend, to contort, to become pliable, OF COURSE, WAS ME.
There’s nothing worse than tasting freedom; dipping your toes into the sea of free will is truly liberating. To know that your life is exactly what you say it is simply because you stated it to be is a powerful feeling. The invincibility. The possibilities. Everything is a swirling cloud of euphoria within oneself. But to simply taste freedom only to have the cup smacked viciously from your mouth is a death endured while still breathing. Its purgatory to be placed back into the chains of self doubt and resentment. And that’s where we pick up…
He knew this was the last time. I know he did and yet he tried to call my ‘bluff’. What a dumbass. But of course, there were signs for that as well… If he would’ve just taken me seriously, I swear that’s all I wanted. That’s all I ever wanted. Take me seriously. I am a person. I do a lot for our family. Just see me as a person. I’m not a robot or machine. I have feelings. I feel pain. But you NEVER cared to understand. You NEVER even tried. I saw that; I chose to ignore it. ‘one day he’ll get it’, I kept telling myself. As the years drown on, that whispering voice began to shout; ‘JUST WAIT, THE DAY IS SOON’. I cant help but to expect the storm of the century to freeze hell over thrice before that day comes… where’s my hope you ask? Well, ‘hope is a thing with feathers’. It picks up and flies away. It has a habit of migration. It flees the lonely, cold, darkness in search of warmth. That’s a perfectly understandable, its simply the nature of things. Just as a flower is incapable of thriving growth in the bleakness of an Antarctic environment, it would have been ludacris to expect the seed of hope to germinate in such an equally desolate inhospitable environment. It just wasn’t going to happen, and I had accepted that long ago.
This was THE LAST TIME. This was the last time I allowed you to flex you power in my face so unabashedly and brash; it was a full palm slap across my face. And it was the last time. This is the last time I ALLOW YOU TO MANIPULATE ME into being a monster. This is the last time I allow you to make me feel as I must fight for my peace tooth and nail. This is the last time I cry because I feel empty, because I allowed you to empty me of every uniquely quintessential thing that made me ME… This is it. The last time…
I DIDN’T KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK. HOW LONG HAD IT TAKEN ME TO DECIDE AND ACT? HOW LONG DID IT TAKE TO COMPLETE THE DEED? DOESN’T MATTER, BECAUSE ITS NOT IMPORTANT. IT TOOK YOU THREE MINUTES TO DIE. I WATCHED EVERY SECOND. I TRIED SO HARD NOT TO BLINK. I WANTED TO SEE EVERY MICROSECOND OF YOUR FROTHY GASPS AND GLASSY GAZE. I HATED THAT I LOVED YOU. I HATED YOU. I HATED MYSELF MORE FOR ALLOWING YOU. I JUST HATED FEELING; INADEQUACY, SHAME, RESENTMENT, LONELINESS, DEVALUED,… ALL OF IT.
AND THEN THERE WAS RED; YELLOW CAME AFTER RED AND BLUE… THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. YOU SPRAYED THE ROOM IN ITS ENTIRETY. NOW, ISN’T THAT JUST LIKE YOU; FINAL LITTLE FUCK YOU, I’M THE VICTIM TYPE MOVE. YOU ALWAYS WERE SO FULL OF SHIT…JUST THOUGHT I’D HELP YOU FEEL AS EMPTY AS YOU’VE MADE ME. I JUST DIDN’T THINK SO MUCH OF IT WOULD ACTUALLY COME OUT. GOD BLESS THE CAROTID. THEN THERE CAME THE RED AND BLUE. FINALLY THE YELLOW. NOW ALL I SEE IS ORANGE. OH WELL. IT WAS WORTH IT.
Thanks for reading.